


Thoughts About Absence

by scepterofstardust



Category: K (Anime)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Mikorei - Freeform, Mikorei Week 2016, i'm sorry but not really and no one is surprised, whoops its all pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 11:52:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8012671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scepterofstardust/pseuds/scepterofstardust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short series about the possibilities after Mikoto's death. Reisi's thoughts and actions after it's all said and done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Missing

**Author's Note:**

> My studies had me quite weighed down, so these are all the prompts I completed for Mikorei Week. Some lovely people revived it for this year, and I figured I would post early here so I don't have to rush to do it later. Enjoy :)

Some days, Reisi had found, were easier without Suoh Mikoto. Those were the days where he was occupied, where disorder kept him busy until late at night and his eyes were heavy, his mind spinning with solutions and problems and strategies.

 

Some days were harder. Days where he expected obnoxious messages that never came, where he accidentally poured drinks for two, where the apartment door closing was the loudest sound he'd ever heard. The days where the room was empty, and he kept the lights off and couldn't stop crying and retching and feeling blood on his hands. 

 

His life had been stable, before. But when Suoh Mikoto, the Red King, took his last breath, Reisi's world crashed to a stop. The days went by slowly now, each hour agonizing. Each night fatal. He hardly remembered the times prior to the pleas, the arguments that shook the apartment, the shouting and confusion and tears shed for an event which had become inevitable. Reisi wasn't sure he wanted to remember. It seemed his subconscious had other ideas.

 

The glare of sunlight woke Reisi with its piercing rays. He drowsily opened his eyes, blinking in confusion. He couldn't remember going to bed...

 

A hand closing around his arm made him flinch, and Reisi whipped his head around to see who had touched him, cold with fear. What he saw confused him even further.

 

"It's just me, Rei." Mikoto was lying on his side, chin braced on Reisi's shoulder. His hair was down, bangs hanging around his eyes. The sun made his eyes a blinding gold when he smiled gently. "Didn't mean to startle you." Reisi sluggishly tried to turn completely to face Mikoto and found his body leaden. 

 

"Mikoto?" He managed, his voice raspy. He reached for Mikoto clumsily. The other laughed good-naturedly at his fumbling.

 

"Rei, you look exhausted. Go back to sleep." Reisi squinted, trying to get his head to clear as he gazed at the man next to him. Mikoto...Mikoto shouldn't be here. He couldn't remember why... He sucked in a breath when Mikoto reached over to brush the hair out of Reisi's face.

 

"Mikoto, you're...you're here..." Brow furrowed, Mikoto shifted closer, studying Reisi.

 

"Yeah, Rei. Don't you remember I came last night?"

 

"N-No..."

 

"You look really pale, you sure you aren't sick?"

 

"I'm not sick."

 

"Reisi." Mikoto's tone was exasperated. "You have to take care of yourself for me, okay? You should get some more rest."

 

"I can't go back to sleep..." The Blue King's frame was shaking.

 

"Why not? You don't have anywhere to be." Feeling heat rush up behind his eyes, Reisi shook his head. Mikoto's voice was quiet, worried. "What's wrong?" The tightness in Reisi's throat was making it impossible to speak. "Reisi?" Unable to stop himself, Reisi moved closer and pressed his forehead to Mikoto's, a ragged breath filling the silence. He was gritting his teeth, the truth coming too fast. He looked at Mikoto, who was frowning in concern. 

 

"I love you," Reisi gasped, his voice rough. The steady amber eyes looking back at him made his chest seize. "I love you, I'm sorry..." 

 

"Reisi, are you alright?" Reisi leaned into Mikoto's touch and squeezed his eyes shut, holding tight. "Reisi?"

 

When he woke, the apartment was pitch black. The sobs rose up in him before he could push them back, and Reisi fought for air. His hand instinctively shot for the pillow beside him. It was empty. He numbly rolled back onto his stomach and his body heaved, awful sounds shuddering out of him. No matter how many times he swore to himself he would stop, he never could. Reisi was sick of crying. It made his eyes burn and it made it hard to breathe. The sobs bounced off the bedroom walls hauntingly, and Reisi clamped a hand over his mouth. 

 

"Rei." The voice was darker, a hushed threat. Reisi froze, muscles going taut. He dared to look over his shoulder. No one was there, of course. He laughed hollowly at his own foolishness. Mikoto's voice would never leave him alone, it seemed. After a few moments of silence, Reisi flicked on the lamp, rubbing his eyes. The clock on the nightstand said it was one a.m.

 

It was a new day.


	2. Second Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An AU, sort of, where Reisi and Mikoto are always reincarnated. The canon verse is the life where the times runs out and they can no longer be reborn. Reisi only remembers their past lives once Mikoto is gone.

 

Their luck had at last run out.

 

Munakata Reisi and Suoh Mikoto had lived out thousands of lives. Their paths never failed to cross. But each time, Mikoto left before Reisi did.

 

Each time, both of them forgot as they fell into darkness.

 

But this time, Reisi remembered. Now that it was too late and the world was ending. (Finally.)

 

Reisi remembered everything as he held the red-tipped blade in his pale fingers. Worlds wove together in front of his eyes and he was falling too fast. The snow soaked into his hands and sent ice into his veins. He couldn't see.

 

(He saw all of it.)

 

He saw warm and cold skin colliding, teeth bared, push and pull, walls and open doors. Reisi gasped for breath.

 

There were so many worlds.

 

He saw a figure facing away from him, head crowned in scarlet. Footsteps receding. Himself reaching out to grab an elbow. (" _Who are you?"_ ) ( _My name is Munakata Reisi. We've met.") (Have we?")_ Mikoto did not know his face. Not like he was supposed to.

 

Rain tapping his shoulders. Heat stinging behind his eyes. He was standing in the road, clothes soaked, and Mikoto was walking away. (" _I'm never going to see you again, am I?") ("They need me.") ("But I need you too.") ("I know.")_ Mikoto never gave him an answer, only walked and walked and never came back. 

 

Youthful, clumsy feet dashed between houses. The wind was their home. Mikoto smiled at him, carefree and twelve years old. Reisi, body small just like his, raced after him and laughed. Nights were endless until their parents called them home. Streetlights became their haven. They grew older and never stopped seeking each other's bodies. _High school sweetheart._ A car going too fast ended what was eternal. (" _Where is he? Where's Mikoto?") ("He didn't come home last night.")_

The smell of blood. Reisi's head swung sideways with the blow of another's fist and he growled. Mikoto was wearing wraps on his hands and smirking. (" _You talk big, Blue. But you can't fight.")_ Reisi's veins sparking and his own fists coming up. (" _Yes, I can.")_  Blows landing and hands exploring. A gunshot in the dark.

 

A stifling office. Reisi's uniform tight on his skin. The standard issue firearm. A lazy man who was always getting himself arrested. (" _Suoh Mikoto. I wish I could say I was pleased to see you.") ("Don't be like that. At least you know where to find me.") ("I'm a bit tired of arresting you.") ("Bored? Then, you'll have to find something else to do with me.")_ Late nights at local bars. Being summoned to a shooting on a normal day. Mikoto's sisters and brothers crying and screaming when they saw the cold body in the street. Vomit and tears working through his body. ( _The body of Suoh Mikoto was identified this morning and-")_

The golden eyes of a lion pinning Reisi through a face studded with jewels. Reisi reclining against his throne and scowling. (" _Suoh Mikoto. I do hope you didn't breach my borders without permission simply for the banter.") ("Well, it didn't dissuade me.") ("Surely your kingdom has citizens with clever tongues.")_ A barking laugh. ( _"None such as yours.")_  Two kingdoms were united. Their auras clashed and they kept their distance. Until they didn't. There was rich, expensive fabric that he dragged his nails down, clawing it off. Nights spent in heat and hurried departures when the sun came up. A swift defeat for the kingdom of red. Mikoto with a sword in his back, breathing into Reisi's mouth and stuttering and his eyes closing. Reisi didn't scream, no, not this time. Not with the kingdoms watching. He let the scream catch in his throat and strangle him and spin until his body couldn't hold it. He saved it for the emptied battlefield, in the dark, where no one could hear.

 

Soft, sleeping light covered them. The music, yearning and hopeful, echoed in the busy hall. The chandeliers burned Reisi's eyes as he whirled, matching his partner's steps. Violet eyes met gold. The mask prevented Reisi from seeing the lion's face. The shock of red hair was telling enough, however. The dance brought them close and Reisi leaned forward bravely. (" _Would you take offense if I asked for your name?") ("None taken. But you understand why I can't. I am forbidden to be here.")_ A sigh. _("Of course.")_  Amber eyes blinking at him with amusement, body tilted forward like a predator watching its meal. _("Why? Do you intend to chase me down again?") ("Precisely.") ("I admire your dedication.")_ The dance was nearly over. Reisi felt dread crawl over his limbs as the lion moved to back away. He held on. _("How will I find you again?")_ A low chuckle, and Reisi closed his eyes as his partner spoke in his ear, tickling his neck. _("I'm sure you're meant to. Come find me next time, stranger.")_

Reisi's body seized, and his eyes blew wide as black toyed at the edge of his vision. No-

 

(" _There's nothing left to say, Munakata.")_

_No-_

_("Sorry for making you do the dirty work.")_

_No-_

A sword took Mikoto's life away and he could not stop it. But the hands were his own.

 

And he would not tumble into the next life, blindly fumbling for Mikoto. He would not get another chance. He would never-

 

It was too much, it was too much too fast and too bright and Reisi couldn't _move_ and he wanted to cry but, he didn't deserve it and heroes didn't cry and _no he wasn't a hero._

Mikoto was. And Reisi had killed him.

 

He hadn't known it when he drew his sword but this had been their last chance. This had been the final call. He and Mikoto had followed each other everywhere and always come together and apart. 

 

But this time there would be no light after the fall. There would be no _Oh, I know those eyes, I've seen you before_  and _I can't explain but I must have you._

Mikoto was dead and Reisi thought he could hear his own heart stopping. The world was screeching to a halt. Time was stopping. Everything ceased and silence infected him like a disease. His heartbeat shook in his throat and Reisi dropped his blade.

 

Their luck had at last run out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry.


	3. Conflict

All Reisi could ever think was that he should have tried harder.

 

It was what he was thinking when Mikoto left his apartment to find whoever killed his best friend.

 

It was what he was thinking when Mikoto took a cigarette from Reisi and laughed at him when he said he wanted to help.

 

It was what he was thinking when he ran at Mikoto, their auras flaring and bracing against each other. Mikoto had growled at him, his eyes flickering with rage.

 

It was what he was thinking when he unsheathed his sword and smiled bitterly.

 

It was what he was thinking when he put away his bloody blade with shaking hands and no amount of words could deny the remains of what he had done. 

 

It was what he was thinking right now, standing in front of the deserted grave.

 

He had, of course, known that today was Mikoto's funeral. He hadn't slept, and he hadn't been able to eat this morning. He'd gotten dressed and undressed six times before he had finally left his apartment and driven to the grave site. His skin was hot with nerves and his hands trembled as he shoved them into his pockets. When he arrived, he'd waited in the car for over twenty minutes. He'd closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. But he was afraid. He wouldn't admit it, but he had been for a long time. Afraid of seeing HOMRA's eyes turned towards him. Afraid of the glares, afraid of _you don't belong here_  and _this is all your fault_ and _why do you care anyways._ Afraid to see the King's aura around Anna and know he had placed that burden on her. Afraid to see...Mikoto. Not burning on and on but cold and quiet. But after he'd scolded himself for his fear, he'd at last walked through the gates. He watched the members of HOMRA trickle out, none of them catching sight of him. Two figures, Anna and Yata, lingered, but at last the site was empty. Reisi gathered his strength and started down the hill. His throat felt dry when he arrived at his destination. The grave was not overly elaborate, but it had a simple elegance that Reisi considered quite fitting. Reisi bent his head in respect and felt his hands clench at his sides.

 

He should have tried harder.

 

Was that what he was going to say? What could he say, now that everything was done, now that he had made an irrevocable mistake? Now that a family was left to grieve and he could have stopped it? How pathetic he was, to wish that he could apologize, but that didn't stop him from wishing it. Reisi had so many things that he wanted to say, that he could've said, and all of them haunted him. But now that he was standing here, he could not get any of them to pass his lips. Reisi tried, and choked, but he managed to speak.

 

"I'm sorry, Mikoto." His voice sounded utterly foreign. "I'm so sorry for not stopping you, for not finding another way...for not, not being able to..." Reisi choked again, and this time he tasted melting snow in his mouth. He remembered kneeling over a body and crying and reaching for someone who wasn't there. He remembered how he'd said _I love you_ too late and it felt like his last breath. 

 

"I failed you," he whispered, and he knew it was the truth. He'd utterly failed, utterly lost, and he couldn't fathom the aftermath, couldn't begin to recover from such a cruel blow. Reisi felt a sob build in his throat and he swallowed it down. He would not cry. Not here. Mikoto's family, everyone who had loved him, deserved to weep over his grave. But he did not. Instead, he stopped speaking, honoring what had been lost in the only way he knew how.

 

Reisi flinched when he heard footsteps coming behind him. He turned and readied himself for the angry words and demands. But the footsteps were the newly crowned Red King. Reisi's posture relaxed, if only a little, as Anna stopped next to him, eyes fixed on the grave before them. She was wearing a black dress and coat, her pale skin a stark contrast. Reisi waited for her to say something, to ask why he was here, perhaps, but she did not. Reisi searched for the words to explain his presence and was interrupted when Anna soundlessly gripped the elbow of his jacket. He looked down at her, startled, but she did not meet his eyes as she said quietly,

 

"I forgive you." It took a few moments for him to reply, but he got out,

 

"Why?" She gave him a small, secretive smile and let go of his jacket. 

 

"I'm glad you came." Anna turned to leave, and he stared after her. The thoughts in his head crashed together. He looked back at Mikoto's grave and shivered in a phantom winter wind.

 

_Why?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because clearly it wasn't complete without the pain of Mikoto's funeral :)


	4. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally happy? Sort of?

Reisi stared down at the pen in his hand. The tip was broken.

 

Ink flowered out in a dark mass on the paper and it was spattered on his hand. He dropped the instrument in disgust and looked numbly at the document. The words blurred and he couldn't comprehend them. They were meaningless to him at the moment.

 

_Suoh Mikoto._

 

Reisi lifted his head, expression dull and clouded.

 

_Suoh Mikoto._

Hands covered his face and dragged down, and the Blue King squeezed his eyes shut.

 

_The Red King. He's alive._

A small hand tugging on his sleeve.

 

_Reisi, it's him! He's here!_

 

Anna smiling up at him and pointing in the distance.

 

_It appears it's true, Captain._

 

His third in command clicking his tongue and uneasily glancing to the side.

 

_No blood! No bone! No ash!_

 

The sky was red and screaming. A king cried and wailed and no one heard him.

 

_Suoh Mikoto. Alive. It's true._

 

Reisi inhaled sharply and a hand blindly swiped across his desk, sending the ruined papers to the floor and out of his sight.

 

_Mikoto. Alive._

 

His head was spinning. Reisi slowly pushed his chair back and walked to the window, blinking out at the skyline. He put a hand to the cold glass.

 

It was true. He couldn't deny that. He'd briefly seen the Red King with his own eyes. The red hair like a mane, the slouched posture, the lazy blink. It was all perfect.

 

He didn't want to believe it. Reisi exhaled, trying to focus and easily failing. The scenes playing in his head were eating him alive.

 

_The Red King spread his arms, an informal final bow, and smiled at Reisi._

_There's nothing left to say, Munakata._

_Blood splashed into the snow and dripped down his fingers. The crowd in the distance cheered for him while he wept._

_Mikoto. Oh, Mikoto, I'm sorry. I've made a mistake..._

"Wake up," he whispered to his reflection, feeling something behind his eyes stinging.

 

The door to his office clicked open.

 

Reisi's expression went slack and he turned to face his visitor. "Forgive me, now isn't the best time. Could you-"

 

Mikoto squinted at him disapprovingly.

 

"Again with the formal tone, _Munakata_?"

 

Reisi's heart stopped dead and cracked against his ribs. He froze where he stood, forgetting to compose himself completely. His hands clenched and a breath caught and choked him on the way in.

 

The Red King. The Red King was standing in his office.

 

Mikoto. Mikoto was here. 

 

The air fell still and it was absolutely silent as Mikoto contemplated him with sharp eyes. He blinked and brushed his hair out of his face. Reisi didn't move. He couldn't seem to. There was a long few moments that quickly turned awkward as the two Kings continued staring at each other. Mikoto took a few steps towards Reisi, looking slightly concerned.

 

"Reisi?" The Blue King shivered in response and he suddenly seemed to regain control. He strode quickly, without his normal measured cadence, around his desk, and stopped a few feet away from Mikoto.

 

He was shaking.

 

Mikoto studied him, startled. "I...I'm sorry, to surprise you like this, but you were the last person I couldn't find..." He swallowed nervously. "Reisi?" The other man was pale as a ghost, his muscles too tense to be healthy. Reisi blinked at him like a blinded animal, his mouth open but no words coming out. "I know this is weird, and believe me, I don't know why I'm here either, but let's just be glad for it, huh?" The red haired man was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the small and unstable figure in front of him. The Blue King was shaking even more violently with each second, and Mikoto finally gave up.

 

"Rei. Please say something."

 

At hearing Mikoto's name for him, Reisi abruptly shuddered. He appeared more pained each time he inhaled, and Mikoto approached him, quickly closing the distance. His gold eyes flicked over Reisi's face and he softened, hesitantly reaching for Reisi's hand. It was icy and covered in sweat, and the man looked a little alarmed by the contact. After a few moments Mikoto felt his hand being squeezed tightly, and Reisi finally spoke.

 

"Mikoto..." It was shaky and his voice broke. Mikoto kept his hand and whispered,

 

"Yeah?"

 

"You...it's...it's you."

 

"It is, Rei. It is, I promise." Mikoto's mouth opened in surprise and protest when he felt Reisi jerk his hand away. The Blue King slowly, looking up at the other man pleadingly, collapsed on his knees. Mikoto watched in shock, lips parted, as Reisi touched his torso and then his arms to the floor. His chest heaved, and his fingers curled against the carpet.

 

The Blue King was bowing.

 

Mikoto could barely breathe as he watched Reisi's shoulders contract as if he was trying to make himself smaller. His head was bent and his nose was touching the ground.

 

"Mikoto." Reisi's tone wobbled horribly but it was still understandable, even slightly muffled in his position.

 

"Rei, what are you doing? Get up."

 

"Mikoto...I'm sorry."

 

"Reisi, no." Mikoto's voice was a little off pitch and he tried to sound commanding. "Get up."

 

"I'm so sorry," Reisi continued as if he hadn't heard him. "I'm sorry. I was a coward."

 

  
_"Reisi."_  The other man's voice was close to pleading. "Reisi. Stop."

 

"No, I...I didn't help you...I didn't help you, I killed you, I-"

 

"Reisi-"

 

"I took you from your family, they missed you, I-I was selfish, I-"

 

"Get up-"

 

"I didn't want to, I-I'm sorry, I should have seen it coming, I should have found another way-" Mikoto was looking down at the shaking man at his feet in trepidation.

 

"Reisi, stop it-"

 

"I should have  _saved you..._ " The Blue King's voice definitely had tears in it, and Mikoto stilled, alarmed. "Please, I-I know I don't have the right, but, please..." Reisi's body seized, and the redhead heard him whimper. 

 

" _Please. Forgive me._ " 

 

Enough.

 

Mikoto grabbed Reisi's shoulder suddenly and he felt the other flinch.

 

"Reisi,  _stop it. Look at me!"_ Reisi trembled and lifted his head slowly, and sure enough, tears were trickling down his cheeks, and his eyes were now swollen and bloodshot. "Rei. Rei, get up." Reisi shook his head uncomprehendingly and Mikoto added quietly, "Please." The Blue King wavered but he took Mikoto's offered hand, rising wordlessly but swaying a little. Mikoto gently, biting his lip, picked Reisi's glasses off his nose and put them on his desk. The blue haired man watched warily and regarded the other king with a shifting gaze. Mikoto lightly grasped the sides of Reisi's neck, and he could feel an erratic pulse there. The skin was freezing, and Reisi followed his hands with a frightened look on his features.

 

Mikoto. It was Mikoto touching him. Mikoto was alive.

 

The Red King locked eyes with him and swallowed as if he was scared to speak.

 

"Rei." Reisi shuddered again but didn't look away. "Rei. Listen to me. This is important. You have to hear this. Please."

 

He got a halting nod, and he slid his thumb carefully down Reisi's cheek.

 

"Reisi. You do not have anything to be sorry for. Do you understand? You haven't done anything wrong." The Blue King straightened, ready to protest again but Mikoto shook his head firmly. "You don't need to be sorry. You were doing your job. You were saving people, that's what you believe in, isn't it? There's nothing to forgive, Rei, you don't need to apologize to me. It's my mess I made on my own, you just did the best you could for me. You didn't. Do anything wrong. You don't need to apologize. I don't want you to apologize. Please." Reisi was gaping at him slightly, still quaking under his hands. "Rei. You don't need to be forgiven. You didn't do anything. You didn't. Alright?" Reisi didn't respond, continuing to openly stare at him in shock.

 

  
_You don't need to be sorry._ He'd never heard that before. He didn't think he ever would.  

 

"Rei. Come on, please." The Blue King inhaled with a slight whimper and he nodded.  _Okay._  


 

Mikoto looked at him for a beat before he decisively leaned in to press his lips to Reisi's.

 

Reisi nearly collapsed against Mikoto's chest, weakly grasping at his clothing and holding on for dear life. Mikoto's mouth was warm and soft and everything he had so dearly needed for all this time, and he let a small sob escape him. Mikoto worriedly pulled back and Reisi choked out another sound, shaking his head. The red haired man allowed him a few seconds and Reisi shut his eyes. Tears spilled out and down his face and the next breath brought a sob that rocked his entire body. Mikoto reached out and pulled him in close. Reisi's hands came up and clutched at the back of his jacket desperately. The Blue King buried his face in Mikoto's shoulder and he wept into the fabric, his back rattling under the other man's hands. Mikoto made a small shushing sound and he carded a hand through Reisi's hair, brushing his bangs back and holding tight to him. Reisi's whimpers were loud, like they were being yanked away from him, like he'd already given all he had.

 

Mikoto stroked his back and murmured, "It's okay. I'm here. It's okay now." Reisi's hand on his coat tightened, and he knew he had heard. "I'll never leave you like that again. I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, guys, hope you liked it :) Also, thank you to all of you who saw my Sarumi piece, rest assured there will be more Sarumi to come as well :)


End file.
